Online Feminist Spaces, Disillusion & You: When Social Media Becomes Draining
The Beginning:
We’ve all been there before, you find a new online community & think to yourself, “Ah, I’ve finally found my people!” Only to come to the stark realization that these people are nothing like you thought, and that a lot of them need to be locked away in the nearest insane asylum, 5150! (Is that insensitive in 2022?)
I’m being facetious, but seriously, what was once enlightening becomes something dreadful. You open your app of choice, not because of curiosity, but necessity. What was once a learning tool and a resource becomes a source of dopamine for the average doom scroller.
Reality Sets In
When I first entered these spaces, I entered with the mindset of finding other women to organize with & developing true camaraderie. Rather than that, I found constant arguing over trivial matters, and frustration with the women who don’t take on the feminist, or separatist label.
The frustration is shared, and I think that it’s necessary to have conversations about why women distance themselves from Women’s Rights & Female Separatism (Women Centering Women & Divesting from Males.)
However, I don’t understand the constant vitriol toward those women when that energy could better be spent toward mobilizing the women who are already receptive to Women’s Rights. The Suffragettes had opposition, even back then there were women who opposed liberation. I see the same phenomenon within the black community.
There are so many black people dedicated to keeping white supremacy alive. It’s a form of Stockholm syndrome that I’ve seen multiple oppressed groups develop. The women who dedicate themselves to male supremacy are a danger that should be addressed, but social media acts as if they’re the reason we can’t come together and fight for our rights.
We Have To Build It
Tumblr user, balkanradfem says, “I don’t think we need to argue or defend separatism. We just have to build it.”
I want to center this blog post around that statement. The best promotion of women centering women is us doing that ourselves, and creating something material for women to attach to. Twitter Arguments, General Misery, and Picking Women Apart isn’t going to make women want to gravitate toward what you’re saying.
I’m a feminist who analyzes from a radical lens, but I’m still learning things and realize that this is the beginning of a journey. A group, or a label isn’t a full representation of my thoughts, and I form my own analysis & decide my own rules.
Shifting Directions
My focus is on changing the lives of the women around me, and I’ve found that a lot of women here don’t share that same goal. I’ve seen disgusting racism that looks like it came from the depths of a sinful 4Chan /b/ forum, and I’ve seen internalized misogyny so bad, that it made me ashamed of my sisters.
A lot of the non-black women in this community are tone deaf at best, and it feels alienating to exist as a black woman in these spaces. We’re used as shields during arguments, and we’re seen as talking points on both sides.
I didn’t enter these spaces to encounter the same bigotry I saw in every other space, but frankly I can’t say that I’m surprised. That behavior doesn’t make other women want to listen to your perspective, no one wants to engage with someone who makes them feel like they’re being attacked. Here’s a post from, blacklezrage detailing how it feels to exist within these spaces at times.
Creating Change
I understand that creating actual change may not be everyone’s goal, but it is mine, and feminism IS a political movement.
I don’t understand the point of being in these spaces if you have no desire to engage with the women who need feminism, the average woman who doesn’t have a feminist consciousness. Women on Twitter are airing out their frustrations on women for being manipulated, abused, and led astray by males, but where are they when it’s time to build material refuge when it’s time for these women to escape?
This post exists as a call to action for the community, this is me asking our feminist community to do better. We have the miracle of our connections with each other, and we must use that to our advantage.
Women who don’t agree with separatists aren’t stopping any of us from living a seperatist life. The best proof of success is our lives. It’s a reduction to frame a complex issue as, “because of HER, we’re never making it out (of patriarchy)” and it’s an example of the glaring internalized misogyny within parts of this community.
These women aren’t preventing us from connecting with each other, and gathering resources. In order for women to separate from males entirely, they need resources. What resources are we providing for them, what are we building for ourselves? We deserve refuge as well, and it’s on us to create what we want to see. No one will hand it to us, you can’t expect someone to hand you what you desire without work.
We're expecting results without building a foundation, and there’s more energy spent toward shouting at women for not figuring it out.
Superiority Complexes
You’re not superior to the women who get abused, you’re not better than the women who get stuck and lose themselves in this terrible system.
We’re allowed to separate from them, and this perspective isn’t me asking anyone to surround themselves with these people. What I’m pointing out is that we need to redirect our energy and what we focus on if we want to see change and create an impact. Regardless of what the patriarchal princesses are doing, we must create space for ourselves & discover the women who DO identify with this message.
Single, CF Women
The tide is turning, and women are tired of the bare minimum. Those women need our message, and they will need resources (as do we) if they want to survive happily in this society.
Redirecting Energy
We need to redirect our energy toward ourselves, and our needs instead of focusing on what everyone else is thinking & feeling about our lifestyle (gay trigger word, sorry).
We spend so much of our time trying to justify, and explain rather than showing other people what we’re about through creation. It’s hard to exist within these spaces sometimes, and I recommend removing yourself from them whenever possible. I recommend finding your tribe of people, and distancing yourself from the platform.
Take it offline, and build connections with women who have the intent to meet in person, and create material things offline. When you come into an activist (if you could call it that) space, you expect to find people who want to organize & fight for women in their personal lives. It’s heartbreaking to discover that most people do not share that desire. Despite that, there is still a solution!
Solutions:
Helping the women in our communities, and building female-only resources begins with something as simple as volunteering. We can volunteer at our local:
Rape Crisis Center
DV Shelter
Homeless Shelter
Volunteering in general can give you the opportunity to connect with other women who care about the community, there’s guaranteed to be another woman who’s similar to you if you keep socializing in those spaces.
Volunteering at:
Your Local Public Library.
Your Local Parks & Recreation Department
Your Local Community Center
Animal Shelters & Adoption Centers
Food Banks
Take up space, and engage with your community, figure out what it needs and become a familiar face at community events.
Your state, and your city likely have a website that’ll tell you local events that are happening. Here’s a link to a masterpost of separatist festivals for 2022, see if there’s anything close to you and build a connection with a woman in that space.
Final Word
We can live fulfilling lives that include women like you, and women who are about centering other women. The online misery of these spaces can get exhausting, and at times it can feel like “We’re NEVER making it out”, but we can do our part to build connections and make small changes. All we have is each other, and we can come together to create funds for the women who need it, housing that’s protected, housing thats for women and by women.
Feminism is on the ground, and this community doesn’t talk about that enough. Let’s log off, take up space and get on the ground!
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